why does it always rain on me? issit becos I broke hearts when I was 17...

feel so darn shitty. am so fuckin wasted. yet another downer. got another bad news for my jobhunt. and now Im suddenly left cold and numb. my plans are ruined. Im at a loss as where to go from here. to continue the futile jobsearch? now i really dont noe what to do with my fucken hopeless life.
-pyschological.imbalanced.wastrel---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I may seem complicated but Im really simple at heart. so give a little respekt...to me.
Rosz called me an opinion leader but when it comes to my head and heart, Im at a loss and I always make the wrong decisions for myself. a drawback. is fickle-minded my only vice? go figure.

Boys 2 Men-a progression or transition?
here's my list of eyecandy:
my idea of Cute: Kui Jien(crossworld)
my idea of Suave: Keagan Kang
my idea of Sexy: Roberto Baggio, Bono
my idea of Preetyboy: All Amerikan Reject vox
my idea of Broody: Ephram(Everwood)
my idea of boy-next-door: Ewan Mcgregor
my idea of Silent Charm: Edward Norton
my idea of Talented eccentric: Chris Martin
my idea of endearingly Kooky: Thom Yorke
my idea of drop dead gorgeous: Jude Law
my idea of poster pin-up boy: David Beckham

havent been in the localscene since last year but last week went to see bachy's new band, Rushed. they play gewd indierawk and they're also gewd lookin in a skinny junkie way. heads up!


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w.a.s.t.e.d junkieam sufferin from involuntary anorexia. down by several kilos. this is what u get when ur workload exceeds ur food intake. and I dont even eat enuf in the 1st place. am looking like a wasted junkie. he said I'll prolly disappear one day.but at least Im sleepin now. cant afford not to, since i only get at most 5-6 hours of rest each day. i think now i feel what he felt when I tried werkin my ass off for 7 days straight. and my body cant take the exertion. wonder how he managed to continue with 2 shifts day by day. but that's all in the past now...
moving along, werk gets monotonous as with all profession. same shit everyday and for sumone wif a short attention span like me, its a wonder how im still facing each day with patience and the surprising capacity to withstand the boredom. I dont get easily irritated now and that's a progress. I think I growing up.
he asked me to not give up on my jobsearch in my line but I told him Im not cut out for the commercial world even if he thinks Im blardee talented. so I'll suffer silently doing menial labour and nursing papercuts each day. sure beats going crazy cooped up at home like a mental patient held in captivity within the four walls of your confined space.

- Im a tough cookie. doing the bare minimal for survival. to live simply. stay contented with happy cats and happy spongebobs and happy bubbles(endorphins) . smile and the world will be a better place. I think...


! My Emotion Sickness
"Love is wrong and Boys are Fuckin evil!"

"Im another ex girl from off ur list.
I should have thought I'd left before we kissed
Im your exgirlfren
well I hope I hold a special place with the rest of them"

Im FREE to decide and Im not so suicidal afterall. Here's to a new beginning. To no more Jerks! Cheers!

Im pyschologically vulnerable and emotionally fragile so dont come waltzing into my life only to break my heart.
Everyone deserts u at the time when u need them most. It's times like this when u need to be strong and hold on to urself. "For this is gonna hurt like hell".
Im standing by my indifference. U learn the cold, hard truth that nobody's to be trusted in this world. Frens are for happier times. When adversity comes, u can only depend on urself. The fact of the matter is, U live on ur own, u die on ur own and u pick urself up when u fall, no matter how many times it takes. Life's a survival. U play a solo tune.
I hate the way things work out for me. One problem and breakdown after another. A constant challenge. An ongoing struggle. Fighting a losing battle. Sometimes I want to give up and let go. To overdose and if Im lucky, get my stomach pumped but the last time I tried, it took me 4 sleeping pills and Im still wide awake. A disappointment.
So Im still walking on." Walk on...walk on...what u've got they cant deny it."

No man is worth my tears. Boys are mere playthings. An eyecandy for the superficial u. But not substantial enough as food for the soul.
Im losing frens as I speak. Have fallen out with 4 guy frens already. have probably lost the frenship of both rahmat and hairil forever. I think they all hate my guts now. Just as well...

They say true love is around the corner. But how often do u chance upon that mysterious gem in a lifetime? Once. If ur lucky enough to settle down with him and hope for a fairytale ending. But more often than not, most people settle down for something less. Nobody wants to wait forever for the Right One. So they take their chance on what's in front of them. So what's ur take? To wait or not to wait?
I think I'll juz drift in the middle of nowhere. A driftwood. Into my own psychological realm where everyday is Night. Sombre is the order of the day.

-Im ur darkstar. The angel from ur nitemare. Solitude is a preference. Not a choice.

To Better Days Ahead?...Not...

so far, 3 guys have wrote a song for me. He wrote an instrumental piece and played it for me. I was immensely touched. It's beautifully crafted. Im flattered. coz if there's one thing I appreciate, is to be serenaided with My song, especially since its written solely for me. Here's the other song, this time courtesy of bani :

"the world will turn amidst ur fear.
the sun will set despite ur tear.
the rain will fall amidst ur call.
the time will run despite ur fall."

-Please eat more chocolates and please listen to more Coldplay.